Archive for October, 2015

Rumble and Label those NEGATIVE EMOTIONS

October 27th, 2015

Happiness includes “Rumbling with” and “Labeling” your negative emotions

 

We are often taught that emotions are bad or not to be shown, but this is incorrect information. Emotions are part of what makes us human. But we have to know how to deal with them, especially negative emotions. We need to label them and to rumble with them.

 

I was hit last week with some pretty negative emotions. That was after the blog I wrote on being grateful (http://www.jehle-coachingexpat.com/2015/10/22/gratefulness/)

 

Label those negative emotions

 

Name, not blame

 

The article I quoted last week* said that another thing that will help change your emotions is to label them, so here we go: I was hurt, insulted, angry and sad all at once. Wow! I was able to discuss it with a trusted friend (my husband) and to label my emotions. That really helped me at that time. The article says that consciously recognizing your emotions and naming them actually takes the away some of the emotions’ impact. It did for me.

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Don’t stuff them under the chair

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What about you? When you are hit by something and have emotions, what do you do? Stuff them? This will not help. It is likely to backfire and maybe you even blow up later.

Do you vent at the nearest person? Probably also not helpful.

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Rumbling with your emotions

 

Brené Brown says in her book, Rising Strong that we have to rumble with our feelings when something happens.

 

Here are a few of her questions we should ask ourselves:

 

  1. What more do I need to learn and understand about the situation?
  2. What more do I need to learn and understand about the other people in the story?
  3. What more do I need to learn and understand about myself?

 

When I rumbled about my emotions and the situation, I was able to come up with a story that made sense to me about the situation, the other people, and myself and was able to move on. It was a great way to end the week: at peace with myself, and the world, in general. This rumbling helped me to have a really good get-away with my husband in Paris and it also led me to be able to hear and respond to one of the more inspiring talks I have heard in a while.

 

So, what about you? What do you do when things get tough, when you are put out in the proverbial darkness? My suggestion is to name your emotions (label them) and to rumble with them. Sometimes a neutral listening ear is helpful, too.

 

Have a great grateful – and – reflective week!

Patty Jehle

 

You can contact me and find out more about me at jehle-coaching.com or patricia@jehle-coaching.com

 

* http://www.businessinsider.com/a-neuroscience-researcher-reveals-4-rituals-that-will-make-you-a-happier-person-2015-9?IR=T

Gratefulness

October 22nd, 2015

Today Let’s be Grateful!

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I have thought a lot about gratitude lately, in the backwash of geo-political, economic, and personal events and I choose to be grateful, even so. Being negative won’t help anything, and could actually make the situation worse.

 

A recent article in BusinessInsider* quotes some ways to be happier that are proven by neuro-scientific research and being consciously grateful is one of the main ways to be happier. Happier then means making better choices (also proven from research), which leads to success. Therefore, let’s be grateful!

 

Here are four ideas I have to become more grateful:

 

Idea 1: I have a friend who has a thankful jar. Every time something for which she is grateful happens, she writes it down. Then at periodical times in the year (for example Thanksgiving or Christmas) she and the family sit down and read the papers. At times when life is hard, she reaches for that jar, too.

 

Idea 2: At the end of each day write down 1-3 things that you are thankful for that day. (this, then could go in your jar, if you have one). Focusing on the positives for the day is a great way to fall asleep. If you pray, then thanking God for those things would be the last activity for your day. What a positive way have end bedtime routine!

 

Idea 3: Thank people. Whether it’s the wait staff at your local restaurant; your work colleagues (or even better those who report to you); or your family and friends; make it a point to say thank you three times a day at least. See what happens, then. Report back to me if you notice a change.

 

Idea 4: Instagram it! By that I mean, take a photo and place it somewhere where you can see it again. On Instagram you actually show others, too. Depending on your personal level of privacy, this may or may not be your kind of thing. I have friends who are really good at posting beautiful photos of nature and their surroundings. Others post pics that their kids have drawn. But in the end, it doesn’t really have to be on a social media site, the idea is that the photos are “there” for you to review.

 

Another way would be for you to print photos of things that you are thankful for (flowers, the beautiful day, your friends and family, you get the idea) and put them up for you to see at home or even work. I have a refrigerator that allows me to change the pictures on it by use of magnets.

 

These four ideas are just little reminders for you to be grateful each day for the good things that come your way. Tell me what you do, too. I would be glad to add to my list!

 

patricia@jehle-coaching.com

 

www.jehle-coaching.com

 

* the article can be found here http://www.businessinsider.com/a-neuroscience-researcher-reveals-4-rituals-that-will-make-you-a-happier-person-2015-9?IR=T

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TRUTH

October 13th, 2015

Truth Believe Act Feel

I wish those four words turned into an acronym, but alas, no.

However, even without an acronym, they are a wise way of processing thoughts and actions. When I take a truth, such as you are a unique human being of worth, and then decide to believe and act on that truth, my feelings of self-worth should increase. That is a good process.

This process of checking our thoughts and feelings according to what is true may keep us from inaccurate thoughts and poor choices.

One Truth: We Can Change

One of the truths about us humans besides our innate worth is our ability to change and learn. Thus I can say that I am able to change my habits and learn new healthier ones. This is a truth that I can believe about myself and about the person facing me.   What a liberating though, and it is completely true!

Believe it!

When I believe that change is part of our human abilities, all sorts of possibilities open up for me, for you, for the person in front of me. Wow, what would you like to change? I don’t mean physical appearance and other superficial things. I mean, would you like to be more organized? You can be! Would you like to be a “go-getter”? Well then, you can be! Would you like to… the possibilities are great. But you must take that truth, I can change, to heart and really believe it.

Act on it!

Then, take that belief and put it to the test. Act like it is true. You have to start moving, trying and trying again. There is work in change. It’s not just a mindset, but a way of living. Thus, to become organized, you have to start organizing and setting up some systems of organization. It’s not “magic”, it’s thinking and acting in new ways. It’s learning and changing. It’s a process. And you must start somewhere and then move to change.

The feelings will follow.

When I start working on the change I want, the probability of a failure must be accepted. We all fail and then what happens after the failure is key. We must look at that failure, and not punish ourselves, but really look at it, reflect on it, learn from it, and take it into consideration for “the next time”. When we feel that it is okay to make mistakes, to fall down and get back into the “ring of life”, we are going to make the change we want. We who learn from our mistakes are the ones who succeed in the end.

I have to admit that it is easy to write this blog where I am today- somewhere on a Canary Island, off the coast of Africa. The sun is warm, the surf is loud, and the tourist season hasn’t really started, at least not here, yet. I will be back to the whole Truth Believe Act Feel process in just a few days, but for today, I am only in reflection mode. A break is always good for reflection.

So, what are you believing about yourself  and your work today?

Patricia at www.jehle-coaching.com

the way to do it:  decide on the truth, believe it, act on it, and let feelings follow

the way to do it: decide on the truth, believe it, act on it, and let feelings follow

Thinking HARD

October 5th, 2015

Listening and Thinking Together

 

Listen, really listen

One of the best things we can do for another person is listen to them. Really listen, I mean. This means listening- not to answer or to find their problem or a solution to their problem. Just listen. Be present for that person, ready to engage, if and when they ask.

 

When they ask you can look at the underlying assumptions the speaker has: is it true (and can you prove it), is it possibly true, is it partially true, and is it false. Those are the options.

 

Assumptions and truth

This is where you as the listener can ask questions to help the thinker come to a more accurate way of viewing the situation. Assumptions really drive everything we do: choices and actions. Sometimes those false assumptions can stop a person dead in their tracks. That’s where finding the true assumption and replacing the false one can really help. Whether it was the best or the worst decision you ever made, you would know what that decision was and the underlying assumption driving it.

 

According to Nancy Kline, “Assumptions are the reason we think, feel, decide and do just about everything. The excitement starts when we start noticing them, and then replace the untrue ones with true ones…” (from More Time to Think) This is where the listener can ask good incisive questions.

 

Questioning to help

So what are some of those questions? Try these:

 

What are you assuming that is most stopping you from moving forward?

Do you think that assumption is true? If yes, why? If no, what is liberating and true instead? AND

If you knew (insert the true assumption that is liberating), how would you move forward?

 

And DO NOT INTERRUPT

This is the hardest thing in the world for us listeners. I am still practicing this, but am getting better. You see, the person talking is doing their own thinking. I do not think for that person. But it is hard to really listen and not interrupt. So you listen until the person is finished. You can ask, “Was that all you wanted to say?” This give the person the permission to continue if need be. If the answer is yes to your question, then you ask your incisive question, but not before. Another way of asking would be, “What more do you think, feel, or would like to add?”

 

Egos must disappear

It is the person talking who figures out what their problem is, who figures out what their limiting assumptions are (that which is blocking the way forward), and who figures out what the real (true and liberating) assumption(s) is. This is real coaching, the other is counseling or consultation. There is a great power in listening to someone. But it means that our egos have to sit on the back burner and we have to listen, really listen.