Learning about myself and work, “Suspend Judgement”

September 18th, 2017 by Patricia Jehle Leave a reply »

Suspend Judgment

Suspend Judgment

Many of you know I am revving up my skills by getting supervision and change management training to compliment my coaching training. Well, I started last week. Training is good for learning and for self-reflection. One of my thoughts for the week was “suspend judgment” – easy to say and hard to do.

What I mean by that is, that when listening to someone, I try and really listen and take note of what and how they say what they say—the big picture. This means I try and suspend judgments like, “oh, here he goes again, always complaining…” or “I bet she is not telling the whole story…” and so on.

 

For the sake of Relationship

This suspension of judgment allows me to build rapport and trust with my partner in communication. This rapport is key and helps build trust, one of the two basic needs we have in relationships: trust and a certain level of belonging. The belonging might be as simple as belonging to the same work team or working on the same floor, or it may mean that you work closely together and form bonds that are meaningful and continue over time. Both are needed for successful work together.

 

But what if Trust is broken through Lying?

But what if this relationship is broken by mistrust and lying? If you have a longer relationship, maybe you should invest in checking out the reasons behind and thinking about a way forward. According to Dr. Henry Cloud you can do these things:

  1. Confront it.
  2. Hear the response and see how much ownership and remorse there is for the lying.
  3. Try to figure out what the lying means in the relationship. If the person is afraid, guilty or fears loss of your friendship, then work on that dynamic and try to determine if the character issue is changing with more safety. But be careful.
  4. Look at the level of sorrow about the lie and how much s/he wants to change. How internally motivated is he or she to get better?
  5. Then, after a while, is the change being sustained? Make sure you give it enough time. Hearing “I’m sorry” isn’t good enough, and may mean nothing.
  6. Finally, look at the kind of lying that took place. Was it to protect him or herself, or just to serve selfish ends? If it is the latter, face reality squarely that your colleague is interested in him/herself more than the truth and face what that means for your working relationship. If it is the former, think long and hard and have a good reason to continue with the friendship.. https://drcloud.com/article/why-people-lie-and-what-you-can-do-about-it

Sometimes you cannot end the relationship, but you may need to protect yourself by documenting emails and activities. Make sure that all bases are covered.

Put your action where your complaint is

I was reminded again this week that complainers are not to be listened to, unless they are doing something to alleviate the problem. There are a lot of people saying “oh, something should be done about xyz.” But note the passive aspect- it allows the speaker to remain uninvolved. In work and in volunteer situations, when you or I complain, we should be ready to be part of the solution. That is the belonging aspect to work- it’s not his or her problem, it’s our problem.

Have a great week of work with trust and belonging being the power that runs your working relationships.

Patricia Jehle            patricia@jehle-coaching.com         www.jehle-coaching.com

 

 

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